The Gym Log
Instead of dilly-dallying beating about the bush and tip-toeing around the essentials, i shall get right down to clear and irrefutable facts. i have joined a gymnasium. Yes, exclaim aloud in amazement and wonder if you must but do not, for one minuscule moment, doubt the veracity of the statement. It is true. i have gone and agreed to sacrifice my evenings hitherto dedicated to lying on my bed and staring at the ceiling, juggling a balloon with my feet without letting it touch the floor (the balloon i mean, not my feet. Be damned difficult to juggle a balloon without letting my feet touch the floor) or staring fixedly at a watch face and willing the seconds hand to move backwards; to running on treadmills that dont move, cycling maniacally on cycles that dont move and attempting to lift weights that, in a spirit of congruity with its fellow-gym-equipment-brethren, dont move. i dont know how the, for lack of a better word, event came to pass. i guess you could say that i was goaded into committing this act of treachery against my soul and my principles, values and judgment, by my mother. Herself a gym-er for some nineorten years she has often prevailed over my better sense, waving away my arguments outlining the advantages of inaction, laziness and general inertness, and forcing me into the room of mechanical monstrosity that is the "Gym". In fact, if i recall correctly, this is my third initiation into the world of health and fitness, my first two having concluded ingloriously in utter and abject failure. Be that as it may, with a heavy heart (and a heavy bag containing a towel, shoes and a water bottle) i re-acquainted myself with the people and equipment, that make a gym what it is.
Nauseating though the prospect of paying money to wantonly engage in physical labour is, i would be the first to admit that joining a gym has its advantages. For a keen student of human (and sub-human, to include all of the gymnasium's clientele) psychology such as myself, it presents a marvellous opportunity to study the mental machinations and intellect, or whatever there is of it, of the homo sapien and on certain wednesdays and saturdays, a pair of neanderthals. i have thus, after painstaking research lasting almost three visits to the gym and involving copious amount of notes on the behaviour patterns of the subjects under examinations, formulated a system of classification of "The Gym Log", i.e., people who frequent the death-den masquerading as a "fitness centre".
The Alpha - At the top of the pyramid you have the Alpha. He who has the body of Adonis and the mind of Thor. The remarkable thing about the Alpha is that you will never see him working out. He may be spotted roaming about the room with a superior smirk on his face and swinging his sculpted arms like a gorilla or providing little tidbits of exercising knowledge to ears eager to draw protein-shake from his well of experience or simply standing in front of the mirror (which adorn all the walls of the room for his benefit) admiring his reflection. The Alpha basks in the adulation of his followers. He worships Salman Khan, swears by WWE (previously WWF, before the animals complained of the ignominy of being confused with spandex clad wrestlers) and unhindered by a two-digit IQ, can in three attempts spell schwarzenegger. The Alpha is the king of the jungle of the Gym.
The Sidekick - Where you have the Alpha, the Sidekick can never be far behind. Endowed with the same intellectual capacity as the Alpha, the Sidekick however falls short on physical capabilities. The Sidekick has a love-hate relationship with the Alpha; fawning over him at one moment and cracking jokes about the chemical supplements the Alpha ingests to maintain his physique, the next (or more specifically, when the Alpha is conspicuous by his absence). The Sidekick is more often than not spotted labouring in the grips of some grotesque instrument in an honest albeit futile effort to graduate into the Alpha category. Due to this fate, the Sidekick is destined to play second fiddle to the Alpha's lead role in the Gym; to be the Hyena who gets the bone while the Lion keeps all the muscle.
The Freshers - It would not be too far wrong to say that the Freshers to a Gym are like the fodder for the cattle, the wood for the fireplace, the fruit for the juicer, the meat for the cleaving machines, etc. etc. Indeed, they are the souls that keep the fires of Hell burning strong and alive. A Gym would be lost without its Freshers and there would be chaos. The Fresher's awe gives purpose to the life of the Alpha and the Fresher also doubles up as a punching bag for the Sidekick to vent his frustration at not being able to complete 100 chin-ups. The Freshers are also the most mutable and are most likely to graduate into any one of the other categories. They are the most enthusiastic, fueled by dreams of achieving Alpha status and un-scarred by the rigours of time and failure like the Sidekick. Interestingly, the Freshers show greater intellectual aptitude than both Alpha and Sidekick, but with some degree of dedication and effort are able to blunt their faculties. This is achieved in most cases by listening to a certain brand of music, labelled "Gym Music", notable artists being Himesh, every DJ Something Remix-er, Hip-Hop Artists, Himesh, etc. The Fresher may be spotted taking dietary advice from the Alpha and trying to lift the same weights as the Sidekick thereby dislocating his shoulder, and with any luck, crippling himself forever.
The Damned - Finally, we have the ones who live in the shadows. They infest every Gym and yet you cannot see them. They slink in the corners and creep in the....well....places conducive to creeping. They are usually forced into the cruel world of the gymnasium against their will. They are the Yin to the Alpha's Yang. Extremely difficult to locate, they may be seen momentarily drifting over the walker or the medicine ball, before they make their exit leaving a faintly unpleasant trace of something old and rotten. Their intellectual abilities are difficult to gauge as they refrain from any contact with the other inhabitants of the Gym. They are unsocial, lonely creatures who despise the Gym and its occupants but are too weak to revolt. They are often the subjects of ridicule and practical jokes at the hands of the Freshers and Sidekicks seeking to establish their credentials and authority in the Gym.
i believe i have dealt with the taxonomy of life-forms existing in the Gym quite comprehensively. If however, you feel that i have not done adequate justice to any of the categories or that i have missed a genus altogether, please feel free to drop me a mail. My trash box is empty and i would love to fill it up. On an ending note, i have much to say about the horrific genre i called "Gym Music", but i suppose i will do that some other time.