A Rhetorical Exercise

Experimenting with Eloquence

I am a sucker for books on craft — on the intricacies of the English language and how writing techniques can help turn simple words into startling prose. You are a writer who writes about writing? Shove your work down my throat this instant. Please and thank you.

In the past three years, I have accumulated over a dozen books on grammar, syntax, punctuation, and all manner of writing advice. Some of these didactic texts can be repetitive. This is not surprising. The best lessons, after all, are the simplest ones; the ones you already know — write regularly, read widely, avoid adverbs — but tend to forget. So while they do serve a purpose, they can sometimes feel a bit stale. Which is why books like The Elements of Eloquence are so refreshing.

I first read about the book in Ravishankar Iyer’s wonderful newsletter 3-2-1 by Story Rules. Every week, Ravi curates tweets (Xs?), essays, and podcasts around the themes of storytelling and effective communication. A few months ago, he linked to an episode of How I Write, a podcast by David Perell.

The episode — How to Make Everyone Remember Your Writing — features Mark Forsyth, the author of The Elements of Eloquence. The book, and the podcast episode, deals with rhetorical devices, which he describes as:

…the techniques for making a single phrase striking and memorable, just by altering the wording. Not by saying something different, but by saying something in a different way. They are the formulas for producing great lines.

As someone who never has anything different to say but still insists on saying it, I was instantly attracted to the figures of rhetoric. I had known about a few of them — alliteration, assonance, personification — but the book offered a treasure trove of tools to engineer literary flourishes. And, as luck would have it, the podcast episode also handed me the bonus gift of a writing prompt, an opportunity for me to unleash this newfound knowledge.

Around seven minutes into their conversation, David notes how we are taught to be ‘concise and minimal’ in the way we write. To this, Mark responds:

…depends what you're writing for… If you're writing the instruction manual for a new dishwasher then you should probably keep it concise and minimal… You don't want: this dishwasher will work in sunshine and in rain… in summer and in winter… [for] both knives and forks…

Now I don’t know about you, but I would love to read an instruction manual that is written exactly like that. A guidebook that is full of verve and sass, the tiny print bristling with rhetoric and dripping with eloquence. I think Mark missed a trick here, but fret not. I’ve got you covered. I have my much-thumbed copy of his book by my side and we’ll now see how its lessons apply to the dry and prosaic fold-outs that accompany domestic appliances and electronic gadgets.

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Washing Machine

This washing machine can wash a wide variety of wearables.

Be they cotton or cashmere, silk or synthetic, you may load the tub and launder without fear. Socks and shorts, shirts and smocks — all are welcome to be placed in its belly. You may add trousers, towels, but not toupees; bedsheets are fine but avoid brocade. Jeans, jumpers and jackets will get clean in a jiffy. Curtains may take longer and linen can get iffy.

Please ensure you read the labels on your clothes. A warm water wash is suitable for some. For others, choose the cold soak.

There are one hundred and thirty seven programmed wash modes available for use. We will not bear liability for any damage if you get confused. We will also not be liable for any fading, fraying, tearing or trampling, spraying, greying, bleeding or blanching. Garments may shorten or lengthen, shrink or bloat, discolour or acquire new shades. Remember that the detergent is (always) the delinquent, the only one you should blame.

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Microwave

Everything tastes better when it’s warm and now you can warm everything.

If your soup is tepid, microwave it. If you need to thaw some meat, microwave it. If you want to melt ice-cream, microwave it. And to make some corn pop, microwave it. But do not, no matter how intense the temptation, attempt to microwave your boss’s cold, cold heart — it will never grow warm towards you.

This microwave is easy to use. The timer is at the bottom of the panel. Each tap adds thirty seconds. (If you were cheap, your model has a dial.) The machine will beep when the timer stops. This is all you need to know.

The panel is full of other knobs and buttons. You will never use any of them. You may disagree now, you may think you are superior to those who only use this device to re-heat food, that the purchase of a kitchen applicance has somehow transformed you into a culinary genius, a savant who can bake and baste with equal aplomb — you may believe that the acquisition of this microwave was all that was stopping you from learning how to julienne potatoes and purée tomatoes, that if you could only master all its knobs and buttons you would finally be able to wear that apron, the one that says ‘Chef’, with a cocky competence that’d make your friends, who couldn’t stop giggling when they gifted it to you, burn with envy.

You’d be wrong. Just heat your damned dal.

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Refrigerator

If you want to achieve your dreams, you cannot spend all your time on the toilet. If you don’t want your hours wasted on the toilet, you must eat food that’s not been spoilt. To keep your food from spoiling, you’ll have to store it in a cold environment. The best way to store it in a cold environment, is to refrigerate it.

This refrigerator will help you achieve your dreams.

It will also dispense ice, chilled drinks, and a nippy breeze on a summer afternoon. You will now have the opportunity to eat — if you’re prey to such perversions — leftover pizza for breakfast. Your cheese will remain firm, your chocolates will stay sturdy. Your lemons will smell as sharp as tacks and your chillies will taste like explosions.

But do not mistake your fridge for an alchemist. When the moon has waxed and waned with no change in the residency status of the butter chicken in the corner of the bottom shelf, it is time, perhaps, to let go. This device does not grant immortality to your midnight snacks. Weeks-old tikkas dipped in months-old chutney may prove to be fatal. Do away with them, lest one day they do away with you.

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Smartwatch

Congratulations on your purchase! You are the proud owner of an altimeter, barometer, and thermometer; a heart rate monitor and an oxygen tracker; an alarm, a compass, and a calendar. This is a music player and step counter, a running guide and personal trainer. It will coax, cajole and castigate you when you’re lazy, and feed you reward points when you do its bidding. It will watch you when you sleep and remind you to move when you’re awake. You can use it to read emails, messages, and notifications. You can even use it to check the time.

This smartwatch works best when it has constant access to your data. You must wear it at all times. Do not remove it under any circumstance. Should you lose your arm in an accident, be sure to immediately retrieve the smartwatch from the bleeding mess that used to be your hand, and clasp the device onto your other wrist. (Use teeth, if necessary.)

Your watch comes with a booster charging pack. If you disable the GPS, Bluetooth, NFC and Wi-Fi, the battery may last an entire week.

If you face any technical issues, you need not do anything. Our engineers will show up at your doorstep. We know where you live.

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Mobile Phones

Say hello to your new best friend. :)

This phone is now your window to the world. This phone is now your Samwise. On moonless nights when even your shadow deserts you, this phone will be by your side. This phone will shape all you know about life, about this world and its inhabitants. This phone will let you see some parts of them — which parts? Well, that depends.

This phone will entertain you for hours and can help you do sums. Just plug it in when you go to bed at night, and plug it out when morning comes. This phone has movies, encyclopedias, and albums, this phone has everything you need. Don’t you dare ever take your eyes off the screen, there will be no reprieve.

This phone is the pinnacle of modern technology — as long as you don’t drop it or wet it. It is a supercomputer in your palm, because it’ll never fit in your pocket. This phone is omnipotent, that’s true — but you needn’t be afraid. This phone is the best thing that’s happened to you, until it’s time to upgrade.

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If you’ve read this far, I will assume that you, too, are a fan of rhetoric.¹ But being a fan can often be bloody hard work.

Was this exercise a harrowing ordeal of composition, compelling me to juggle reference books, dictionaries, and notepads while tearing out my hair? You have no idea.

Will it help me remember these literary tricks, branding them into my brain for future use? Not by a long shot.

If I had the choice, would I do it all over again? Look, there’s nothing I can tell you except that some of us have a weird notion of what constitutes ‘fun’. Or, if I were to use rhetoric and ‘say it in a different way’: Oh, hell yes.

1. In which case, it may interest you to know that the above passages feature the following rhetorical devices: adynaton, anadiplosis, anaphora, alliteration, assonance, chiasmus, congeries, epanalepsis, epistrophe, hypotaxis, isocolon, litotes, merism, parataxis, personification, and synaesthesia. (Do not presume I have this list memorised — it took me many painstaking minutes to type it.)