Hello! As some of you may know, I have submitted a short story to a fiction writing competition. The winners will be chosen reality-TV style: based on ratings by readers and judges. Be a dear and click here, and add a 5-star rating, won’t you? It will take you only 5 minutes to read, but feel free to rate it without reading. I mostly just care about the rating, to be honest. (I jest. I would love to get feedback.) That’s all, I won’t keep you from this week’s issue any longer. Danke!
One of the best things about growing old(er) is being able to use your advancing age as an excuse to make an early departure from social events. When you are in your twenties, it is difficult to leave a party on the grounds that your 10 PM bedtime is approaching. I know this because I tried this tactic, unsuccessfully, for many years. Nobody believed me back then; unfortunately, most people don’t treat sleep as a priority in their twenties.
The moment you hit the thirties, however, things change drastically. Now, almost everyone’s bedtime is aligned with mine and as the clock hands approach 10 PM, I am delighted to note numerous yawns mushroom around the dinner table. By 10:15 PM we have bid our adieus, wrapped up the party and are on our way home, the way God intended it to be.
But sometimes, this happy equilibrium is disrupted and chaos is unleashed. In such scenarios, the party can last into the wee hours of the night and unless you plan your moves with delicate care, you could very easily get trapped in the quagmire. The risk of such an event occurring is highest when there is a special occasion: an impending wedding, for instance. There is something about a pre-wedding party that brings out our worst, our most feral selves. People throw caution to the wind and abandon rationality, particularly when the alcohol is free. And they are not content to embark on this suicidal mission alone; they will insist that you accompany them as they consume their body weight in alcohol and eventually puke their guts out on the dance floor1.
Over the years, I have honed my instincts to identify the early warning signs of a party that threatens to spin out of control, and am largely successful in making a timely and discreet exit. But nobody is perfect. There have been times when my instincts have let me down and I have failed to see the storm brewing around me, until it was too late.
The setting, in these situations, is quite generic. Obnoxious dance music is blaring out of the speakers. The venue is dark and you have a headache from straining your eyes to find the exit. Your headache is worsened by disco lights. Suddenly someone comes up to you and says, '“Hey where’s your drink?” in a casual, yet threatening tone. You’re trapped. You know that a tactical retreat is no longer possible and now that the spotlight is on you, a change in strategy is required. What do you do?
In public interest, I have detailed below the three manoeuvres that I usually deploy to maintain sobriety in such treacherous conditions:
The Brooder™: This one is my favourite. Rule number one: You must always carry a glass filled with a concoction that looks like alcohol. In fact, it can even be alcohol2. You must hold it and take occasional sips, in a deliberate and pensive manner. You must arrange your face into a grim expression, as if the weight of the world is upon your shoulders. Smile rarely, and when you do, it should appear painful. For instance, you can grit your teeth and slightly stretch your lips while narrowing your eyes. (I find it useful to practise a few times in front of a mirror). Sigh frequently, especially if there are people around you. If you are sufficiently convincing, people will ask you, “What’s wrong?” Now, this is the crucial bit. You must gnash your teeth, look off into the distance and say, with all the bitterness that you can muster, “I don’t want to talk about it.” And then say you need to use the washroom and walk off. Repeat 3 to 4 times over the course of the night. Eventually, people will leave you alone and you can go home.
The Rowdy™: This is a difficult one to pull off. As you may have guessed, this strategy involves fighting fire with an inferno. Be warned that you may have to consume some alcohol, at least initially, to make this work. In fact, it is strongly advised that you snatch drinks from other people and drain them. (You can spit it out later when they’re not looking.) When enough people have seen you snatching their drinks, they are more likely to believe that you are sozzled. Now, shift gears and start acting violently. Maybe you can target the folks who were insisting on getting you drunk and shove them around. Another useful tactic could be to lie on your back and contort your body on the dancefloor.
Trip a few people. Break a couple of bottles. Soon, you will be told to calm down. Ignore these suggestions and climb atop a table while shouting that alcohol runs in your veins. Before long, people will get annoyed and you will be escorted out of the party. As a bonus win, if you cause enough damage, people may stop inviting you to parties altogether. Bliss.
The Bawler™: This requires skill and nuance. The initial phase of this strategy is similar to the one I outlined above. To wit, you must create the impression that you are getting tight. You can achieve this by changing your glass frequently and using a variety of coloured liquids. Embellish this act by saying loudly, “Bro, I am mixing drinks man, I’m going to regret this later, haha..”. Once enough people have heard you, move to the next phase. Now, this is where it gets a little gory but freedom is worth a little pain. Take a lemon and liberally squeeze it into your eyes. With your eyes stinging and watering, walk up to people and start wailing loudly. While sobbing and howling should be good enough, feel free to throw in a couple of “We are all going to die” and “I am worthless” type statements.
For added effect, you can also grab someone’s shirt collar and then slump to the floor. When performed to perfection, this strategy will achieve the unthinkable: people will ask you to stop drinking and start hydrating. You can nod sadly and sit in the corner with a lemon soda. Then you can leave without anyone daring to stop you.
I hope you will find the above knowledge useful in retaining your sanity and sobriety in challenging circumstances. If you have any strategies you employ to protect yourself during parties, don’t be shy to share your wisdom with the rest of us.
This obsession on the part of some people to force alcohol on others has always perplexed me. Perhaps they know that nobody sober would ever want to hang out with them.
I use alcoholic drinks when I anticipate the risk of people sniffing out the truth.
What a fun read!