In the 4th century BCE text, Politics, Aristotle wrote: ‘A social instinct is implanted in all men by nature’ — a belief that can largely be attributed to the fact that he never met me.1
I have mentioned before that I am not a misanthrope. I don’t dislike people and I do - on the occasions I lose the coin toss - go out to meet friends. But I have always believed I do not need human company and would be quite content living a solitary existence. Nothing as drastic as a cabin in the woods (though it does have a certain romantic appeal). Just a simple life as a lone, enigmatic figure who spends hours reading, writing, and staring thoughtfully out a window while nibbling the end of a pencil.
My wife thinks this is hokum.
If I was not around, she says, you would be bored stiff within the week. We often argue about this but neither of us has ever been able to convince the other. I figured I should gather some evidence to resolve this impasse. So, when she was away on a work trip this week, I decided to document the pros and cons of single-living, hoping this would settle the debate in my favour and cement my status as an ultrahuman.2
The results of this experiment are presented below.
Waking Up
Pro: You are not woken up by an AC draught gooseflesh-ing its way up your limbs because you have been robbed of your portion of the blanket.
Con: Sole control of the blanket may lead to an injudicious use of the ‘snooze alarm’ button.
Additional Con: As Einstein’s explanation of relativity posits, an extra ten minutes of sleep you self-administer will never feel as long and pleasurable as the ten minutes of shut-eye you can steal after telling your partner they should use the washroom first.
Breakfast
Pro: You can solve Wordle in peace as you fork eggs into your mouth, without being admonished and told to put your phone away while eating.
Con: You do not have a captive audience whom you can impress with a detailed account of your masterful Wordle solve. (‘Widen’ in 3/6 is no mean feat, after all.)
Shower Cubicle
Pro: The shelves in the corner of the shower are not bristling with bottles, tubes, and boxes stacked into a precarious tower, the whole edifice threatening to collapse like a pack of cards if you so much as breathe on it.
Con: You will remain a stranger to hair conditioner, a product that you have never felt the need to purchase and whose purpose, frankly, you have never quite been able to fathom.
Additional Con: When the soapsuds float towards the shower drain and - after circling the round strainer in playful loops - disappear into its depths, leaving behind the gruesome carcasses of fallen hair, you cannot escape the knowledge that yours is the only scalp that has suffered; that the innumerable strands littering the shower floor once adorned the top of your head, but have now left it bare and bereft.
Meal Planning
Pro: Every day, you can decide what you want to eat.
Con: Every day, you have to decide what you want to eat.
Work From Home
Pro: You can focus on your tasks without the distraction of someone tapping you on the shoulder and saying, ‘What are you doing? Stop working, I’m bored. Let’s chat.’
Con: When taking a break from work, you cannot stroll into the other room to interrupt someone who looks busy and tap them on the shoulder while saying, ‘What are you doing? Stop working, I’m bored. Let’s chat.’
TV Time
Pro: Half of your waking hours are not spent seeing one Kardashian talk to another Kardashian about a third Kardashian, on your television screen.
Con: You may go through life without learning about the existence of Love is Blind. To the uninitiated, this may not seem like much of a loss. But that would be an erroneous assessment because this is no ordinary reality TV series. It’s a show where a group of volunteers ‘date’ each other while in ‘pods’ - where they cannot see the other person - for a few days, can only physically meet once they have decided to get married, and then must see the engagement through for four weeks until the moment they step onto the altar - resplendent in their wedding regalia - and can switch the expected ‘I do’ with a devastating ‘I don’t’. Simply marvellous stuff.
(If you are reading this and are a behavioural scientist, you are welcome. Feel free to credit me in your PhD thesis.)
Sleeping
Pro: You can keep the lights on and read, as late into the night as you wish.
Con: When you plump your pillow, kick out the blanket and mumble goodnight as you switch off the light, you do feel a little sad when the words are lost in the silent gloom of the invading darkness. You do, of course, feel a great deal worse when a raspy voice near your ear whispers it back at you….
You may be thinking - much like my wife did - that the experiment proved her point. But as everyone with a scientific temper knows, when your test results do not confirm your beliefs, it is time to begin the experiment again. It was this empirical impulse that drove me to ask her - as she wheeled her suitcase into our house after a 10-hour-long journey - when she would be leaving again.
And thus was my name added to the list of those who have perished in the dogged pursuit of science.
Fun Fact: Aristotle is also credited with the popular quote: ‘Man is by nature a social animal; an individual who is unsocial naturally… is either beneath our notice or more than human.’ Some experts believe the phrase ‘social animal’ should be translated as ‘political animal’, and much academic ink has been spilt debating the difference.
So, the next time you’re urging your friends to subscribe to this newsletter, remember to tell them it is not only good for a chuckle but also rewards its readers with arcane trivia.
If you skipped the first footnote, you will not get this joke.
Much relate, much relate. The conclusion I have come to is that I want my husband to be in the house, but for him to leave me alone to read and write to my heart's content. That is perfection. It happens every now and then when he decides to play some online games or something in the evening. I've started encouraging such at-home, solitary activities for him.
Writing goals, couple goals, gif goals and now, footnote goals. Like always, I chuckled through this one too 😆