Baby Benefits

The Perks of Parenthood

Babies — toddlers, in particular — are fascinating creatures. When you’re around them, you get to witness a pint-sized human being learning how to express themselves and interact with their surroundings. It is an enlivening experience. Especially when you can limit the interaction to small doses — for a couple of hours on a weekend, for example, before nap-time approaches and things begin to slide downhill.

In early 2022, I wrote a post about choosing to be child-free. In that piece, I wondered why some people do not want to have children, while most others cannot conceive of a life without kids.¹ My position on this issue has not changed but in these intervening years, my friends and cousins have had babies. I’ve spent many hours around their children and loved every bit of it. I do not see a contradiction here. I can enjoy the company of kids without wanting a child of my own.

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This, in turn, has led to conversations with parents to understand why they crossed the Rubicon, and what is it about parenthood that convinced them to alter the shape of their lives. The answer, almost always, is that parenting is a transcendental experience. I’ve been told it unlocks a well of emotional capacity that is ineffable and inaccessible to others — that it can make you grow more responsible, endow a sense of meaning and purpose to your existence, and even spur your spiritual development.

I don’t buy it.

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It all sounds too polished, too evolved. I am certain there are cruder motivations at play, that people are loath to disclose. I suspect these covert incentives are discussed on parenting WhatsApp groups, with sly smiles and sneaky sniggers, but are never disclosed to the child-free. Perhaps it helps new parents foster a sense of community. Perhaps it’s just a bit of fun — lord knows they deserve it. Or perhaps, they don’t want us to know the truth.

Whatever their intentions, the game is now up. After giving much thought to the matter and having observed them closely, I believe I have uncovered the real reasons why people have children.

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Entertainment

I get why parents would be embarrassed to admit this. Nobody wants to give the impression that they view their child like an Xbox. Parenting is serious business, after all, and a toddler is not supposed to be a toy.

Don’t try this at home. Image Source.

But once you’ve spent some time with kids, it becomes all too obvious. They do the most ridiculous things. They can run around a room cackling in mirth — as if they’ve ingested a potent mix of cocaine and MDMA — for an entire afternoon. They can parkour their way over all available furniture and may sometimes, if they get high enough, try to catch the fan. They are often recalcitrant, but on some occasions, are willing to do your bidding. In such moments, you can mould their enthusiasm to fit the contours of your amusement — like persuading them to enter the washing machine. (You should keep the washing machine switched off though. Trust me on this.) They can sing and dance and chant and jump, with absolute abandon. They are relentless, manic little characters who are endlessly entertaining. No wonder most people want them.

Trivia

Do you know the difference between a dumpster truck and a garbage truck? In fact, how many types of trucks can you name? Two? Three? I know a four-year-old who can name seven.

What about dinosaurs? If you were pressed, would you be able to distinguish between a Brontosaurus and a Brachiosaurus? Do you even know what an Ankylosaurus looks like? Can you say Tyrannosaurus without tying your tongue in knots? I have heard these Jurassic terms dancing lightly on the lips of a three-year-old, as his father changed his diaper.

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Children have a preternatural curiosity. By simply being in their vicinity, parents can access vast amounts of trivia and then use it to impress others. Having kids, therefore, is a foolproof way for them to gain social capital and establish their intellectual superiority at a party — if they are ever able to leave their house and attend a party, that is.

Disaster Management

There can be no better training in disaster management than being a parent. Once you’ve handled a toddler tantrum and survived the ordeal, nothing else can ever faze you.

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To a mother accustomed to cooing her wailing newborn to sleep, while quelling the glares of her co-passengers with a grim smile, no crisis can induce panic. A father who knows precisely which Coco Melon video to deploy to silence his child’s shrieks at a restaurant, can be trusted to act just as decisively when faced with a cataclysm. Parenting not only ensures the survival of your lineage — it also hones your survival instincts.

Come Armaggedon, we, the child-free, will find ourselves hopelessly unprepared. We will flounder and perish, but the parents will remain unflappable — dipping into their knapsacks to retrieve just the right thingummy that will avert ruin and usher in peace. And so, I have made it a habit to act with kindness when I see parents grappling with their young progeny in a public place. You should do the same. Your life may depend on it.

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The above are preliminary observations and further research may reveal more facets of this phenomenon. For instance, I have not addressed the theory that child-rearing is an elaborate ruse for parents to invent ludicrous nicknames — or that some people have kids only to indulge a disturbing penchant for baby talk.

I hope this study will inspire others and that scholarship in the future will take this initiative forward. My work is only the start — indeed, you could say that all I’ve done, is take a few baby steps.

1. Spoiler Alert: There is no right or wrong here. We must consider what we want, examine why we want it, and then make our own choices. There is far too much noise and negativity that surrounds topics of this nature. Ignore it all. You do you. Except if you’re Elon Musk. Elon, I think we can all agree that eleven children should be enough. You can stop now.