Beautiful. So many branches, all connected by a clear thread.
About the ordering thing, I hear you, Simran. There is a restaurant here that *refuses* to place the bill with women. The waiters don't even look at the women while placing the bill in front of the man. It is wild. And, because the food there is excellent, I have tried multiple things to see if they change. Zilch.
I guess, at some point, the marriage and driving jokes stop being signs of an unconscious bias and more of a very real pattern of condescension.
Thank you for writing this. I ask for the bill, it is given to my husband who promptly gives it to me I check, I pay and make sure the waiter notices that it is me who decides the tips. But this has been a coming of age thing, there was a time when I expected that the old fashioned way was the best. But it still feels very nice when a man pulls up a chair for me, or holds the door open. Sometimes I do too. 😊
That is the exact reason I opt for ola or uber. The rejection, the embarrassment is at least private. When the apps say finding drivers for you in a loop, you are not 100 percent certain that they are rejection you. And onlookers will just think you are busy with your phone.
"The root cause of this problem is my pathological need to be liked by everyone. If I were to ever meet a serial killer, I would be at pains to make a good impression — holding the door open, being a keen listener, asking pertinent questions about how to get rid of corpses — in the hope that if he were to engage in small talk with his next victim, he would lead with: ‘By the way, do you know Rohan? No? Ah, it’s a shame you’ll never get to meet him. He’s a really nice chap.’"
BTW, I thought Mumbai was very good on the auto front. You sit in the auto then you tell where you need to go. Being from Bangalore, I found Mumbai auto drivers to be angels.
You've been quite lucky in your encounters. To be fair, once you start a ride, abiding by the meter is the norm here. It is the ride starting bit that's problematic.
Hi Rohan, I started reading your work recently and the style of your writing is really fresh. I absolutely loved reading this piece. As somebody who has recently started driving and goes out with her college friends and the bill is almost always given to the guy even when I offer to pay, this piece has words I have been looking for! This is beautiful writing, something I would come back to.
"Once you ignore the dictum that marriage is meant to make you miserable, you can actually find a way to enjoy the bloody thing."
No kidding! I always thought those jokes sound outdated and weird, even when I was much younger. My husband is my best friend and I can't see myself ever referring to our partnership as a "ball and chain." Also, we still have separate bank accounts even though we have been married almost 4 years, and still take turns paying for things. We still consider both accounts to be "our" money and operate as if we have a shared account. And, here too, the waiter almost always gives the check right to him. It doesn't really bother me though.
We really want to visit India - it's one of our top travel destinations. The only thing I am afraid of is the roads! I've seen videos and it just looks like complete chaos, no matter who's driving. 😅
Neha and I have been through that same dance—she asks for the bill, the waiter hands it to me with the confidence of someone following an unwritten law of physics.
And your auto rickshaw taxonomy is pure gold! Having survived Mumbai's streets myself, I can confirm you've captured every species of auto-wallah with scientific precision. The third variety—the ones who give you hope before crushing your soul—are particularly diabolical.
Your dissection of husband-wife comedy tropes resonates deeply as well. I never get those stereotypical reels that flood social media—the ones full of husband-wife jokes. Sometimes Neha shares them with me, but I find it hard to relate.
Brilliant storytelling, Rohan. You have playfully yet masterfully captured the unconscious biases that we Indians carry in our minds.
Yeah, a lot of these tropes are so ingrained I'm sure there are many I am still blind to. Also, I have been afforded a lot of opportunity to observe (and be spurned) by autos. It was about time I put it to some use!
Always wonderful to read your coming of age essays!
It's like deja vu for me. When I made similar discoveries about the skew in gender roles, expectations, attitudes, it felt like I could no longer go back to the way I was, laughing at all those jokes. But that was around 10 years ago. In the decade since, the picture has become sharper to admit many more 'pixels'...the funny thing is the nuance has brought me all kinds of awareness. In a weird way, I've also discovered that depending on the context, it's probably OK to laugh at some of the more benign jokes in that genre. Always depending on the context of course. I wonder if that makes sense.
I think I know what you mean, Venkatesh. I have been wary of letting awareness morph into a feeling of superiority. I was uncomfortable writing this too, because I didn't want this piece to seem preachy.
Beautiful. So many branches, all connected by a clear thread.
About the ordering thing, I hear you, Simran. There is a restaurant here that *refuses* to place the bill with women. The waiters don't even look at the women while placing the bill in front of the man. It is wild. And, because the food there is excellent, I have tried multiple things to see if they change. Zilch.
I guess, at some point, the marriage and driving jokes stop being signs of an unconscious bias and more of a very real pattern of condescension.
Thanks so much, Sarthak! I was worried about the continuity, glad to know if didn't feel disjointed.
Yep, it's like a switch being flipped. Can't go back to seeing what's funny anymore.
Thank you for writing this. I ask for the bill, it is given to my husband who promptly gives it to me I check, I pay and make sure the waiter notices that it is me who decides the tips. But this has been a coming of age thing, there was a time when I expected that the old fashioned way was the best. But it still feels very nice when a man pulls up a chair for me, or holds the door open. Sometimes I do too. 😊
I hope the next time you visit, they know where the bill should go!
Thank you for reading and for leaving this note. Always appreciate it. :D
That is the exact reason I opt for ola or uber. The rejection, the embarrassment is at least private. When the apps say finding drivers for you in a loop, you are not 100 percent certain that they are rejection you. And onlookers will just think you are busy with your phone.
Hahaha, that is an excellent strategy.
Hilarious and poignant - such an improbable combination. Have you considered stand-up Rohan? You'll kill it!
Thanks so much, Ravi. Appreciate it! :D
Re stand-up: stage fright would kill me!
Channelise some of that auto driver's chutzpah and you'll be on your way! :)
This para takes the cake and had me LoL.
"The root cause of this problem is my pathological need to be liked by everyone. If I were to ever meet a serial killer, I would be at pains to make a good impression — holding the door open, being a keen listener, asking pertinent questions about how to get rid of corpses — in the hope that if he were to engage in small talk with his next victim, he would lead with: ‘By the way, do you know Rohan? No? Ah, it’s a shame you’ll never get to meet him. He’s a really nice chap.’"
BTW, I thought Mumbai was very good on the auto front. You sit in the auto then you tell where you need to go. Being from Bangalore, I found Mumbai auto drivers to be angels.
Thank you, Rakhi. Glad you enjoyed it!
You've been quite lucky in your encounters. To be fair, once you start a ride, abiding by the meter is the norm here. It is the ride starting bit that's problematic.
Third variety rik drivers 😓
Have to admit they have chutzpah. Thanks for reading!
Hi Rohan, I started reading your work recently and the style of your writing is really fresh. I absolutely loved reading this piece. As somebody who has recently started driving and goes out with her college friends and the bill is almost always given to the guy even when I offer to pay, this piece has words I have been looking for! This is beautiful writing, something I would come back to.
That's very kind, Bhavya. Thank you so much! Really appreciate it. :)
"Once you ignore the dictum that marriage is meant to make you miserable, you can actually find a way to enjoy the bloody thing."
No kidding! I always thought those jokes sound outdated and weird, even when I was much younger. My husband is my best friend and I can't see myself ever referring to our partnership as a "ball and chain." Also, we still have separate bank accounts even though we have been married almost 4 years, and still take turns paying for things. We still consider both accounts to be "our" money and operate as if we have a shared account. And, here too, the waiter almost always gives the check right to him. It doesn't really bother me though.
We really want to visit India - it's one of our top travel destinations. The only thing I am afraid of is the roads! I've seen videos and it just looks like complete chaos, no matter who's driving. 😅
Sounds lovely! Yes, you must visit. The chaos adds to the thrill. :)
Thanks a lot for reading and your note, Lindsay.
The ‘must be a woman driver’ really really gets my goat. As though following rules and staying in your lane is a dumb thing to do!
Yep, more so in this land of lawless traffic.
As a woman who learned to drive in her late 30s, this piece means so much to me.
Such beautiful writing, Rohan!
Thanks a lot, Tanaya! So glad it resonated.
Simuu and her observation 💯
Also the quote on “wife remembering conversations” is only YOUR wife :) all others are aging with poor memory
Haha, true, on both counts. Thank you for reading! <3
Loved it :)
Thank you, Amrita!
Neha and I have been through that same dance—she asks for the bill, the waiter hands it to me with the confidence of someone following an unwritten law of physics.
And your auto rickshaw taxonomy is pure gold! Having survived Mumbai's streets myself, I can confirm you've captured every species of auto-wallah with scientific precision. The third variety—the ones who give you hope before crushing your soul—are particularly diabolical.
Your dissection of husband-wife comedy tropes resonates deeply as well. I never get those stereotypical reels that flood social media—the ones full of husband-wife jokes. Sometimes Neha shares them with me, but I find it hard to relate.
Brilliant storytelling, Rohan. You have playfully yet masterfully captured the unconscious biases that we Indians carry in our minds.
Very generous, Sid. Thanks a lot!
Yeah, a lot of these tropes are so ingrained I'm sure there are many I am still blind to. Also, I have been afforded a lot of opportunity to observe (and be spurned) by autos. It was about time I put it to some use!
Excellent observations. It’s a pity how little some things have changed.
Beautiful writing, blending societal flaws with your now trademark humour.
Thanks a lot, Avinash! Glad you liked it. Change is slow but will happen eventually, I hope.
Always wonderful to read your coming of age essays!
It's like deja vu for me. When I made similar discoveries about the skew in gender roles, expectations, attitudes, it felt like I could no longer go back to the way I was, laughing at all those jokes. But that was around 10 years ago. In the decade since, the picture has become sharper to admit many more 'pixels'...the funny thing is the nuance has brought me all kinds of awareness. In a weird way, I've also discovered that depending on the context, it's probably OK to laugh at some of the more benign jokes in that genre. Always depending on the context of course. I wonder if that makes sense.
I think I know what you mean, Venkatesh. I have been wary of letting awareness morph into a feeling of superiority. I was uncomfortable writing this too, because I didn't want this piece to seem preachy.
Thank you for being such an attentive reader!
Good to know you stood up for women drivers.
Thank you! :D